12.14.2008

It's been a while, feeling impish

I'm quite a little imp.

Sorry I have not been updating you guys on my life, I've been distracted...

News: Mom is doing better, but still not 100%. She can walk with little to no help nearly all the time now - that means that her back is nearly fully healed. Her mental health is not the best, though. Continue on in your prayers for this. Sometimes I feel like she doesn't want to get well. (I know I've said this before.) Although, I do know the nature of mental illness is such that the person is out of touch with reality.

About me: I am not doing well. I've been sick twice in the past month and I simply WANT TO GO HOME!!! I no longer want to live with my parents when I have two very nice roommates, a great neighborhood and a JOB and a ministry to go back to. It's been so difficult because I cannot do this or I cannot do that (including being in my room for ANY length of time) because mom wants to sleep or can't handle the fact that someone else lives in the house with her. Dad is ok, but we do have our moments, too. I'm done being a daughter, I want to be an adult with her own stuff. And, I want to be encouraged in that stuff. Ack!

Ok, enough complaining. Sorry folks, it's just how I am feeling. It's been days since I've been in a good mood.

At least I'll be going HOME in a few weeks, just after Christmas. Wooooooooo! And, hopefully, I'll have new brakes on my car.

Please gimme a call to chat or whatever, if you can! I'm in desperate need of it!

11.03.2008

Props - my take

Without a doubt, my favorite part of elections are evaluting the merit and worth of propositions on the ballot. With those who are elected to office, it is hard to tell what the outcome is going to be. Who knew in 2000 that G.W. was going to face the biggest terrorist attack in modern American history? At least propositons are easier to analyze. So, here is how I voted (I'm absentee) and why.


Prop 1: High Speed Rail Bonds


This is a measure to sell government bonds to pay for a high speed rail line between LA and San Fransisco.


No.

Being a libertarian, and generally fiscally conservative, I fear that this bond act will eventually lead to higher taxes. And, although it seems as though we are moving in the direction of energy efficiency, we are not a culture of public transportation, at least outside of Los Angeles and the Bay Area, and a high speed rail will not make it so. We cannot guarantee that ridership will make up for the 19 billion dollar deficit of the bond act. Also, we this act only benefits those who travel between Los Angeles and San Fransisco, which is a small segment of the population.


Prop 2: Standards for confining farm animals


I'm sure you've all seen the commercials, but this initiative, if passed, would require larger cages for egg-laying hens, calves raised for veal and pregnant pigs.


No.


My roommate was laughing at me because I told her that I'm voting no for strict economic reasons. I'm tired of paying over 25 cents per egg, I don't want to pay more than that! Hahaha! Actually, folks, this proposition is about regulating industry, something that is deeply complicated, but generally more expensive to the consumer, either via direct business routes or taxes to increase agriculture subsidies.


There is another issue that I must address here, the issue of animal cruelty. This initiative is supposed to reduce the cruelty to animals and create a healthier enviornment, giving us healthier food. Folks, this sounds like a moral argument, shrouded in health. I cannot with good conscience vote to impose debateable morality upon another, especially if it has the potential to negatively affect someone else. That's using a majority to discriminate against a minority. Bad, bad, bad.


Prop 3: Children's Hospital Bond Act


Proposes $980 million in bonds to be sold for the improvement of children's hospitals. The improvements will be made via grants given to hospitals.


Sorry Jamie Lee Curtis, but no.


To be honest, this one was hard for me. I have seen the grant process work first-hand and it can be an effective process. But, it still requires someone to apply for it, and approval from an agency. Just because there is money available, it does not mean that it will be spent. Plus, from what I understand, there is money available for projects such as these already. I am of the opinion that this is not a prudent initiative at this point in time.


Prop 4: Waiting period and parental notification before termination of minor's pregnancy


The name on this proposition explains it well. Doctors have to provide written notification, either in person or via certified mail, to the parents or guardians of a minor before they can terminamte a pregnancy.


Yes.


Ironicly, the fact that a minor can obtain an abortion without parental consent or notification falls under a law that was enacted in 1953. This law, formed before abortion was legal, states that a minor can receive the same types of prenatal care as an adult without parental consent or notification. Now, the termination of needing prenatal care also falls under that law. I find this so ironic.


Before you get into a tizzy about the possible need for protection of the minor, this initiative has some protection built into it - if the minor fears abuse from the parents, they can obtain a waiver of notification from the court or the doctor can notify another adult family member. The doctor has to report the abuse to either law enforcement or the adult family member. And if the minor chooses to obtain a waiver from the court, the minor is supposed to be seen within 3 business days, will be appointed a lawyer and does not have to pay the filing fee.

OK, so why am I voting yes? 1. To make it more difficult to obtain an abortion. 2. My feminine intuition is telling me yes. 3. This is messy. I am under the impression that most teenagers who get pregnant come from a hard family life. But essentially, it seems as though this proposition has much more potential to make a better life for the minor. The doctor must report the abuse, if there is abuse. That means that the family could get a check-up, a wake-up call, whatchamacallit, or that the minor and any siblings would be taken into protective custody. Not necessarily the best place, but sometimes better than home.

Prop 5: Nonviolent Drug Offenses

Expands parole options and treatment programs for non violent drug offenses, while limiting court authority to incarcerate these offenders. Also, increases parole for serious and violent drug crimes.

YES!

Being libertarian (notice the small "l") I am for the decriminalization of drug offenses. This seems to be a step in the right direction. It changes many marijuana offenses from a misdemeanor to an infraction. It would be like issuing a speeding ticket versus being sent to court. There is also, for both minors and first time offenders, a chance to wipe the offense off the record, provided they follow through with their rehab and stay out of trouble. It also provides funding for certain rehab programs, to help correct the problem, rather than punish it.

Please also note that offenders who have previous records, or commit other serious or violent crime will not get the same cushy treatment.

YES!

Prop 6: Police and Law Enforcement Funding

Almost 1 billion dollars to be allocated for more law enforcement funding, while increasing sentences for gang related crime, methanphetamine sales and vehicle theft.

No.

Honestly, I did not read this prop that carefully, but I would argue that most of this money will go toward bigger jails. If all of these offenses are problems or threats, I think we need to rethink the solution.

Prop 7: Renewable Energy Generation

Will require govt-owned utilites to generate 20% of their energy from renewablesources by 2010, and 50% by 2025.

No!

Not to mention the fact that EVERYONE - INCLUDING GROUPS OF OPPOSING INTERESTS - oppose this proposition, but this is going to make it more expensive for the consumer. Yes, we need to move to more renewable energy. Yes, we want clean air, but this prop forces utilities into quick-fix expensive solutions or face a penalty. Sustainable clean air is coming, but some of the solutions need a bit more time than this prop is willing to give.

Prop 8: If you don't know what this one is, you must live under a rock

Adds a section to the California Constitution that reads, "Only a marriage between a man and a woman is valid or recognized in California."

No.

This is not about protecting the family. Parents - not schools - teach what constitutes a family. This is not about equal rights. Many institutions recognize domestic partners as spouses, so much so that I can add my roommate as my partner without question. This is about the separation of church and state.

I sometimes think that marriages should be notorized instead of licensed. The idea that a secular government recognizes the ususally sacred institution of marriage is a fairly new idea. When I really think about it, it appalls me that it is now the government, not God, that tells me what I have is a sacred union. Why should it not tell who to marry? Oh, wait, it's done that before, too. Please, don't leave it up to the government to decide, leave it up to God.

OK, sorry, I must go now. Hopefully I'll be able to do the rest a little later tonite.

10.26.2008

Tina's Mom update: day 48

My sewing machine died last week. This event saddened me beyond what I could imagine. It was like moving from sunny southern California to rainy Seattle with no warning. We took it in to be looked at and the lady said that I've gotten my money's worth from the machine. Folks, I have done no more than 15 or 20 projects with it. If the machine cost $110, that's over $5 per project. Cheap sewing machines are not worth the price - at least the way I use a sewing machine.

But you know, God still opens windows. This tragic event will be leading to a much better machine that will not require me pulling out every other seam sewn. And a button holer and 9 extra feet. Basically, something better that can be used a long time. Hopefully it will give me the confidence to begin to make wearable garments. Gotta love Mom and Pa.

On that note, Mom is improving dramatically. Yesterday, she gave up the walker for most of the day. She now knows that she does not need to depend on it all the time. Today, she lasted for an hour in church. We can leave her alone for 5 minutes or so. And, she is looking forward to driving again. Mom has not driven in over 2 years. There's a hope for you.

It's amazing to watch this miracle happen. It's not only the miracle that her body is healing, for we all know that our bodies are designed to do so. The emotional trauma that the Holy Spirit is healing is so much more amazing.

Last week, in church - yes, I did visit home for two days - pastor asked those of us who need to be set free from what holds us back to come up and receive prayer. I went up for my mother. They asked for grace and strength for me, but they asked that my mother's chains of pessimism and lack of self-confidence be cast off. Never has prayer ever been so immediately effective in my mother's life. Well, except for the prayers that have made her right before God.

The Holy Spirit heard and moved. Pastor, thanks for listening to the move of the Holy Spirit. I might make it home sooner than I thought.

So pray that physical therapy will make her stronger. That God will show her the confidence that she has already received, the confidence that she is a new creation in Christ and that he is continuing to make her whole again.

Thanks folks. I love you all. I apologize if I missed some of you on my visit from last week. It was short and surprising for some. I will be back again soon. Bisous!

10.17.2008

Tina's Mom update: day 39

It's been just under 40 days - wowie.

I know I haven't kept this space updated, but lets just say that no news is nearly all good news. No major mishaps with mom, and she is well on her way to recovery, albiet sloooowly.

Still no job, but busy season for my father ended yesterday so that I now have another chance to go out looking.

Big news: I have rekindled my romance with my sewing machine. I could sew all day, given the opportunity. In the past two weeks I have finished 3 projects fully, I am nearly done with 2 more and just started 3. If I finish what I have plan to finish over the next couple days, I will have 6 projects done in two weeks. That's amazing! Pics forthcoming...

My friend who had surgery was out two days early and is healing nicely. The tissue results came back from pathology negative - praise Jesus! As I was walking out the door to visit him in the hospital on Saturday, he sent me a text message saying not to come, he was leaving in a half an hour. Shame he missed a pretty girl visiting him in the hospital.

For all of you following the political side of me, I will post a response to Prop 8's comments soon, as well as what I think about other propositions, some of which will probably effect us more than we think. (Prop 11, for instance.)

I love you all! Muah!

10.08.2008

Tina's Mom update: Month one

I came to OC exactly one month ago. Here is the run-down:

1. Mom had back surgery one week after my arrival. The surgery was ultimately a good thing, although the recovery was a little rough. This included another fall with a hip contusion. And my knight in shiny pants arrived.

2. Overall, my mother is doing better. All types pain, from surgery, from the hip contusion, from tension in her neck and upper back is doing much better. She's also on a new course of meds which has given her a new outlook on life to say the least. She still has her "crutches" and cannot be alone for long, but is improving overall. Hallelujah.

3. Still no job. :( But, I do have two big leads, one at Nordstroms and one at Macaroni Grill. I think at this point, this is a good thing. My father is working under a tax deadline, so I get to help both him and my mother at home. I do have enough cash to make it through the month, but next month may be a different story.

4. I have reconnected with some good high school friends. We have Friday nites at Alcatraz. There is a guy who will have potentially life changing surgery on Thursday. Not that I want to be around when bad things happen - that's weird - but it is nice that my friend will have another person looking out for him, praying and hanging out.

5. Still have more friends to reconnect with. Can't wait to see some of you!

6. Orange county has some of the best thrift stores around. Now, if Mom didn't mind the sound of my sewing machine, I could make the 80s look cool and updated.

Much love and thanks for reading! Muah!

10.07.2008

Prop 8

I was appalled to find out that if California does not add a so-called marriage clause to its Constitution or other sort of law book, then religious institutions may be in danger of oh, what's the word... discrimination; they also face a jail, a fine, or closure, whichever is applicable. That is, this would be the case if someone decides to bring a civil suit against a church or other religious institution or official at refuses to perform a same-sex couple ceremony. These disciniplary measures have already been enforced against religious organizations and clerics who have refused to marry same-sex couples.

Religion, by is very nature, is discriminatory. (Don't all of you gasp at once now.) Most of them are not so in that everyone is welcome to join in activities, but to truly practice, there are usually rules and codes of conduct to which its practioners adhere. For a same-sex couple to ask a discriminating organization to perfom a ceremony and expect that it be done oversteps their bounds. It's almost like me, a Protestant who is not baptized in an Orthodox church, asking the priest of St. Antha-whosit in IV to perform my wedding ceremony in his church. He cannot do so in adherence to his beliefs. For me to demand that he honor my request takes away one of his first amendment rights.

But, for the state to recognize only one definition of marriage is a violation of the same first amendment rights that same-sex couples have. To demand that the only marriage recognized by the state is one between a man and a woman is nearly peposterous. Soon they'll add another clause in which the state will only recognize a marriage between a man and a woman of the same race or a man and a woman of the same peer group. Lying within its nature is the ability to take away the freedom of individuals to live the life they choose.

If their lifestyle is an affront to you, flip the coin. Your worldview is an affront to them. Does it not offend or hurt you when an athiest calls you dumb because of your faith? And yet you call same-sex couples scandulous or degrade them from the pulpit. I have had more than one friend hurt because of your actions on this subject. Yeah, really winning people over here.

Personally, I am caught in the middle. I don't want my church building closed because it adheres to its beliefs, and I do not want to penalize someone for living a life that I don't think is right.

Is there a middle ground?

10.02.2008

One more thing

Yes, I did not want to publish this with the below post. At this point, I want to keep my musings and my events seperate.

The other thing is that I really need to find a group of believers to hang out with. I have my friends that I've reconnected with from high school and I love them dearly, but none of them know Jesus - yet. I want to be with people who want to discover Jesus as I do.

There's a group at my parents' church that is forming for 20s/30s age range. I am slightly disenchanted with this church - they are fairly literal and rigid in Biblical interpretation, the demographic is mostly white middle class, and they won't put a woman on the platform to lead anything except women's or music ministries. But, I know that they love Jesus, too, and do not seek to hurt anyone. Yet all of these issues are important to me because all of these aspects have been areas of personal hurt and/or growth. (And one more thing - I asked them to call me, not email, and they still emailed me anyway.)

My question is, do I go to this study and allow their flavor to mix with mine to create something unique, or do I just go find somewhere that I am comfortable? Obviously, I have a heavy burden that I am bearing with Jesus, but would this be more weight?

In any case, I think I'll go - just once - to see how it is.

Tina's Mom update: day 23

Don't hate me if I incorrectly state the day of my time in Orange County - I'm having trouble doing simple math.

I have to admit, today was a terrible day. Without going into too much detail, my mother has been diagnosed with a treatable mental disorder, and she has probably had it for the past two decades, or more. Let's just say that today was probably a peak of emotion - for me too. We see the psychiatrist again tomorrow - pray that it goes well.

Oh, and this psychiatrist - connections all over the place! He studied philosophy is college. I studied philosophy in college. He has three boys. My friend Colleen has three boys - oh how I miss babysitting! - and both are the same age range. He grew up in Bellingham, WA. I've attended a conference in Bellingham, WA, and have been all over the state. He seeks the connection between God and the physical world in psychiatry. I have long believed that the Spiritual and physical worlds cannot be seperate.

It was a little strange meeting this guy, to say the least. Who knows - perhaps we have a mutual friend in common.

Not much in other news: I had my interview at Macaroni Grill and it seemed to go well. I hope to hear from them tomorrow.

Much love,
Tina-bo-bina

9.27.2008

Tina's Mom update: day 20

If I could choose a song to sing right now, it would be "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life" or "Walking on Sunshine" or some other especially chipper piece. I have two pieces of good news:

1. Today was a major breakthrough for my mother. She said, "I'm sick of this!" meaning that she finally admits to wanting to get better. She wants to change. As many of you may know, this is a HUGE step to becoming well again. Not that it's gonna be a cake walk from here on out, but I think it will be better. Plus, the pain from her fall last week has subsided substantially, so much so that she wants to try to go to church tomorrow!

2. I have an interview at the Macaroni Grill, a restaurant about 1/4 mile from my parents' condo. It's on Monday at 3pm - woo hoo! There's a lot of applicants, but I can outshine them all. Heehee. Actually, this means that I passes this kinda dumb customer service test that you now have to take. I've taken it three times already. At first, I was doubtful that I did not pass the test (these are statements like"I am polite even when I don't want to be" or "I like large groups of people" with which you have to agree or disagree) but this interview proves that I did. Yes!

So, then what does this mean? So, I kinda have it in my head (and heart) to work at a major apparel retailer, but you have to take this test. I was doubtful that I passed it there, but I passed it at the restaurant, so I must have passed the exact same test at the clothing store. We'll see what happens.

Much love to you all! My parents say hi. Oh, and if you ever, you know, want to drop me a line or anything, you can write to me at:
13341 Verona
Tustina, CA 92782

Bisous!

9.23.2008

Tina's mom update: day 17

Ok folks, my apologies for not keeping y'all updated sooner. It's been a busy week.

Mom is better, except that she fell AGAIN last Thursday morning. I swear, it's like three steps forward and two steps back. At least that means it's one step forward. Now, if only she could see that. In any case, she saw the doctor today because of hip pain. He confirmed that nothing was broken (thank God!) and that it's only a little inflamation that should settle down in a week or so. She's having nausea again, though. That makes her thrice as anxious as usual. I'm a little worried - the doc perscribed a med that will probably really cause nausea and make her hyper. Not good, not good. If you pray, pray for me and my father!

That reminds me - this doctor totally reminded me of one of my professors from last year, Telford. Telford, if you read this, I think I found your long lost brother. Except that he has a much larger nose than you.

Not much else, except that some friends from high school and I have started a tradition - I think. Nachos and beer on Friday late nites at the Block in Orange. Good times; we even get the same waiter every week! This past week we even took photo booth pics - oh what fun!

I miss you all! Bisous!

9.18.2008

Tina's Mom update: day 10

Note: I know that today is actually day 11, but I wrote this last night and could not publish it until today. Enjoy!

I was woken up by a fireman this morning. Yes, a very attractive, young, strong and probably virile male in bright yellow pants walked into my room to rouse me from my morning siesta. Is this a dream? My knight in bright shiny pants and matching suspenders? No, I knew there was a problem.

I rush downstairs to the sound of my mother’s voice yelling my name. I am greeted by approximately six more young, attractive males in the same attire gathered at the base of the stairs. I thank my Father in heaven that I wore something semi-cute but modest to bed, seeing as I had seven pairs of male eyes in my direction. I wouldn’t want them to get the wrong idea…

Actually about 15 minutes earlier, unbeknownst to me in my slumbering state, my mother had called the paramedics. Yesterday, she had outpatient back surgery and they put her under general anesthetic. One of the effects of anesthetic is nausea and vomiting, something for which my mother has little tolerance. Couple that with her anxiety and you get one long sleepless night for all three of us: my mom, dad and me. I relieved my father between the hours of 7am and 9am, and I was relieved from 10am on. Mom wasn’t sleeping, but the nausea meds kicked in and she was resting enough not to need so much attention.

During my nap, I guess her anxiety and nausea worsened because she called 911. My father was doing the best to comfort her so he sent one of the rookie firefighters to wake me. I think that’s the best thing about this situation, it like a dream come true! My knight in shiny pants has arrived! Actually, there were seven of them – yum! Although, these knights were for my mother and not for me.

In all seriousness, my readers, these last two days have been difficult. A super anxious mother, a back surgery, a sleepless and stressful night, a trip to the emergency room, a father who almost went to the emergency room himself, and worries about my lack of employment.

But, God is good. Both of my parents are working on a good night’s sleep, my mother’s nausea has weakened, as has her anxiety, the back surgery seems successful, and I get to write this in the comfort and privacy of my own room. Plus, the Macaroni Grill around the corner needs servers. If not there, the Norstrom’s down the freeway is hiring, too. Maybe I’ll try my hand at shoes or menswear.

Ta-ta for now!

Miracles

Do you believe in miracles? What kind of miracles?

I asked my mother this question and she said that they are an "act of God." But what does that mean, an "act of God?" To some, especially in my Pentecostal tradition, it means physical healings. But then, what would be the purpose of these? Healing for healing’s sake?
Here’s a cliché for you: in following Jesus, I find that it’s not really about me, it’s about doing things to put the focus back on God. Sure, if physical healings give the focus back to Jesus, that’s great. But I think that we have our own magic in medicine today, so that a physical act of God is no longer has the ability to display his power. We even have remedies to cure what used to be thought of as certain types of demon possession: mental illness.

This medicine vs. physical healing debate seems analogous to the story when Moses goes back to Egypt and God does the first miracle; he turns Moses’ staff into a snake. In reaction, the Egyptian sorcerers do the same thing. Big deal. Any god can turn a staff into a snake, they seem to be saying.

So we say with our modern medicine. Don’t get me wrong, I am not poo-pooing our doctors and hospitals. But, we no longer have the necessity for physical healings because of our reliance upon man’s invention. Yet, God still wants to work. Where is our act of God now?

Here’s another cliché: in our hearts. I once heard an analogy about today’s young generation, the millennials, that their hearts are not simply broken, but shattered. They are not broke in two, easily repairable with glue; they are broken in so many pieces and some of pieces may have been lost or misshapen. There’s no putting these hearts back together without an act of God. Even though I am not a millennial (just barely, though), I understand. So many of my friends have been hurt and confused from divorce, sexualization at a young age, and not being given a purpose other than to make their parents happy. And this list is by no means comprehensive. As a result, they search and seek. Some turn to art in angry tones of red and black. Some turn to guitar playing and weed smoking. Some turn to the refuge of their family. Some turn into an Ana or Mia. And some just try to make it through, not knowing if they have a calling at all.

They don’t need God to heal their arm because of a skateboarding incident or to clear up their chicken pox, we have antibiotics for that. They need God to search deep into their souls and do a miraculous work inside of them. To give them the confidence that they were brought here to please God, the most perfect being ever. To give them peace, make them whole, so that they stop searching and start living. (Goodness, I sound like a pharmaceutical commercial.)

Now, what that looks like, I have no clue.

9.14.2008

Tina's mom update: day seven

I've been here just under a week. I have a couple of leads on serving jobs and then was thinking that perhaps I should apply to a nice department store. Heck, I like clothes, I'm a snazzy dresser and have good taste for other people, too. What's the worst than can happen?

The end of the week was difficult. Lots of overwhelmiong emotion for mom, and consequentially my father. It does not necessarily seem that my presence makes a difference, and I was praying about it on the way home from church, asking God to confirm that this is the right thing to do. I got home and my dad asked me to finish some payrolls for him. Bingo! It is now confirmed that this is my path and it is a godly one.

In other news, I saw some old friends on Friday - looking good David! - and met some new ones, too. Some guy named Tino. Hahahahahahahaha. It's the male version of me. And we're both pining away for someone we can't really have, at least not right now. Hahahaha. And some other dude named Calvin, who said that Pentacostals are his peeps man, his peeps. Then he pretended to slay me in the spirit. Hahahahahahaaaa.

Anyway, I love you all!

Bisous,
Tina

9.11.2008

Tina's Mom update: day four

Hi everyone.

Today is day four. I arrived on Monday evening after a brief stop at the Camarillo outlets. Two dresses and some undergarments later, I whizzed through LA to make it to Orange County in record time. Wheeeeeee!

Anyway, my transition's been a little tougher than anticipated. There's been some insensitivity on the part of everyone in this house. I think its difficult because I reduce the amount of space that my parents are used to - like both use my bathroom to shower - and that I am not used to having my parents in my space. But, as long as there are rules for my folks and sensitivity to their needs on my part, it will work out fine. The good news in all of this is that I get my own closet - with shelves for my shoes. Woo, woo!

Mom is OK. Since I have been here, there has been one good day, one so-so day, and one bad day. There was talk of postponement for her back surgery, but since the next date is a month away, she will probably go through with it next Tuesday, September 16th. Pray that this will alleviate her back pain so that she can focus on getting well and strong in other areas, too.

On the social front, many of my friends here have been super receptive to my arrival. Someone even called me two nites ago! We chatted and caught up. And, one of my favorite musicians is in town next week, so I'll be seeing that show, too.

There is some sad news, though: a friend from high school has an aggressive form of cancer. He's 26. I actually feel a little privileged, though. Maybe this is good timing. It's not that we were ever that close, but I am happy for the opportunity to hang out with someone who might need a little bit more help than he's used to. Maybe we'll even get to be very good friends. But, I'm jumping the gun here. We'll just wait and see.

I wish you all the best. Please keep me updated with you, too!

Love,
Tina

9.08.2008

Tina's Mom update: day one

Hi all!


Here is my first blog about my time away from Santa Barbara, even though I have not left yet.


I am deciding what to take with me. I feel naked with out my entire wardrobe, so if you can tell me how to fit a tall dresser into my car, it would be much appreciated. Hahahaha.


Actually, I enjoyed my morning, sleeping in, hanging out in my PJs, checking my email. I know that my mom had a bad day yesterday and my folks are chomping at the bit for my arrival. Even I am unaware of the time of my arrival. They can wait for a little.

I'll be stopping on the way down to apply for a job at some dinner theater place. The theater is actually a magic show and the place serves ribs. My kind of establishment, although I would not mind working at a sports bar or some other rowdy place where cute girls are appreciated.


I love you all! I will try to update this space several times a week. I will use it to communicate about what I am doing, how my mother's healing is going, or about my emotional state or some new idea that I am courting. I will send email updates with the link whenever I do updates.


Thanks for reading!

9.07.2008

Smitten: thank you for the days!

Thank you for the days,
Those endless days, those sacred days you gave me.
I'm thinking of the days,
I won't forget a single day, believe me.

I bless the light,
I bless the light that lights on you believe me.
And though you're gone,
You're with me every single day, believe me.

Days I'll remember all my life,
Days when you can't see wrong from right.
You took my life,
But then I knew that very soon you'd leave me,
But it's all right,
Now I'm not frightened of this world, believe me.

Dear Coffee Boi,

I have to thank you (and to be cliche, my Father in heaven). I was listening to The Kinks last week and this song came up. I changed the song because it depressed me - I could not bear to face that I would not be able to have something that I wanted. But, I know deep in my heart that now is not the time for either of us. There have been signs to confirm this, too - being too busy with work and school and family. Really, having to deal with our own lives.

And whether or not there will be a time in our respective futures when we will explore some sort of romantic possibility is irrelevant to what I want to say. I want to say thank you. You helped me to open up my heart to the possibility of falling in love again. Imagine, I have spent 20 some odd years on this planet and not really fallen in love, at least in the romantic sense. That's not to say that I fell in love with you, but I have been close once before this. That experience was much too intense and closed me off to others that have fallen into my path.
But you, my dear, have helped remedy this. Your flirtation, your quirkiness, your openness, and your sweetness melted the icy layer around my heart and broke the barrier down in my mind. All I had to do was put myself in your path. Like the Kinks sang, I'm not frightened of this world, believe me.
OK, don't go getting a big head about this. I just wanted to let you know the value that our short friendship had in my life. Best wishes to you, dear sir! May God continue to bless your journey (even though you don't really believe in Him) and bring people in your path. Maybe I'll get to be one of those people again.
Much love,
Tina

8.23.2008

Smitten

Author's note: It's been a day since I've written the post below. I know now that there is a lot more going on in my life than simply this - a sick mother, the prospect of moving from my life, not simply to start a new one, but to take care another's life. Much of the tension that I describe below does not simply stem from my own insecurites regarding relationships, but from a vunerability that I will have as a caretaker of someone who has traditinally taken care of me. I know that at times, my heart will break for me and my family, and I do not want to add another depth to that. But, with that being said, and like I said before: I give up. Thanks for reading!

I have to admit, I'm smitten. It's terrible. I'm all fluttery and can't eat and everything. I'm not sure I like it. I even had to have some Alka-seltzer.

Contemplating this state makes me question so many different areas that I have explored in the past. For example, I have always advocated that love is a choice, that although we allow our feelings to influence us, it is still our choice to be in that relationship. This opinion has prevented me from enjoying the pleasures of infatuation. But, when did I recently choose to let my feelings do the driving instead of my mind? I'm not used to allowing this to happen and it's throwing me all off-kilter. Ack!

My roommate asks me - what's so bad about it? It is simply not my normal operating mode. True, I am living on the edge - will he call, should I text, will he put his arm around me, should I stand that close to him? - and that's a little exciting. It makes that first kiss all that much more sensational, it makes whatever he says perfect, but it makes me scrutinize my every move. I send a text that could be construed as pushy, will he take it that way? Is my outfit cute enough, I wonder how he'd feel about a skirt or dress? I mean, does he really like me? Will we really see each other again? And if he does, why hasn't he tried to contact me again? Ack!

I guess my biggest concern, though, is there are some fundamental differences between us that make me wonder if this is ok. Letting my feelings go as they are right now gives me a fear of what will happen if they remain unfulfilled. Is my heart going to break? It's happened twice and I was devastated both times. So much so that I refuse to speak to one even though he will call incessantly whilst nearby. It draws up so much hurt to see him and know that we should not be together. I don't want that to happen again.

And yet, I have no worries hanging out. When I'm with the guy with whom I am smitten, it's ok. My feelings are fine and I'm confident that it will all work out for the better in the end. Is that what people are looking for? The idea that with this one person (and trust me, I'm not putting all my eggs in one basket here) it just might work out. I might actually share a piece of my heart that does not often get dusted off and used. And even if it gets put back on the shelf, it will still be ok, for the best.

Now, if this attitude will permeate the rest of my life...

8.18.2008

Reflections on faith, or lack therof

Sometimes, I think that I am perceived as a "bad" Christian. Tonite, I was on the train with my friend, having a somewhat intense theological discussion. We look over and the guy next to us is reading his Bible. Clearly this guy was military. Anyway, he jumps in when we get to the point of Old Covenant vs. New Covenant. I pretty much said "isn't it all the same covenant?" To which my friend, a believer no longer, agreed. I think we stumped the guy a little bit. Then he really stumped me because he began talking about the end of all things, which is not my strong point AT ALL. There was one point of complete and utter silence, but it was right after he talked about judgement day. But, if we took all the Scriptures about judgement day and put them together, I don't think that you can make a cohesive theory of what is going to happen. Even if you use the excuse of God's grace - I know he is a graceful God, yadda yadda, and will "have compassion on who He has compassion" - to explain true seekers without knowing Christ, it does not complete the cycle. There are just some things we cannot fully know, because God has chosen not to reveal.



I've been thinking about this interaction- big surprise, right? I think because I come from a seeminly less rational place, which I actually think is more rational, because it is based on experience, I may be perceived as a Christian who does not know very much. How does this lack of knowledge reflect on my faith? Because I do no know, does that mean I do not understand?



As I have said previously, I think we need to dump certain perceptions of truth that we hold on to so tightly. According to my faith, real truth will never be knowable until after we are long dead. But, if the God of the universe is surprising silent on the topic of say, judgement day, but vocal on practices with money and other such things, then maybe, although it fascinates us, we should give up what we think and let God do the talking. Focus on what we know instead of filling in the gaps of what we don't know. But this attitude gets me in trouble. I can't debate with someone about what I don't know. And because I don't know this, I am viewed as uneducated, or in need of guidance.

I know I take personal offense to this accusation (see, even my language makes it more serious than it seems). But, it is an affront to how I define myself. I can't keep coming back to the same point, that I don't know very much where God is silent. I think there's a perception that surely, we can find a way to fill in the holes. And if I don't want to, I must not be strong in my faith.

There's a leap in logic here. If I don't want to fill in the holes, maybe I'm giving room to let God be God. Maybe my lack of curiousity is not indicative of a lack of faith, it's indicative of a lack of obession about what I cannot know. There's a difference. If I am constantly striving to know the unknowable, it's pointless. There are many ways to find out more about faith - namely, through experience. The experience of the last days will come soon enough. I will welcome them joyfully, but not before its own time.

8.15.2008

Thoughts on the difference between right and wrong

Author's note: I wrote this several months ago, in response to a decision a friend made in her religous convictions. I wanted to place it here as this space becomes more and more used.

So, I've been thinking about our emphasis on doing "right" versus doing "wrong." Basically, I've felt like a failure recently, but I know that it really wasn't my fault. What caused me to feel this way?

Ok, I think that we are obsessed with being right. Not really obsessed in the sense that I can be obsessed with a certain recording artist, but in the way that affects our worldview. Think about it. When we are children, what are we trained to do in school? Find the right answer, for whatever reason. (I liked being right for the sake of being right. Some kids just wanted the grade.) How did our parents rear us? It varies from household to household, but I would generally say that parent reared us up to do the right - i.e., morally, politically, socially correct "thing." We are fascinated with this search for right-ness. And, in our search for truth and the best way to do things, we disregard everything but the end, even if we don't achieve it.
No wonder I feel like a failure when everything does not turn out the way it ought to have - ought to have according to me. I was mentoring this woman in a lifestyle change that I thought was good, and she decides to go back to how she was before. That was hard. Her decision made me feel like a failure. But, it was her decision. Nothing I said or did could have changed that. And yet, in my ears I heard, "You didn't try enough. You said something wrong to put her off."

Lies, all lies!

Perhaps we need to re-examine the way we think about our search for truth. I am not against looking for an absolute in our lives. After all, even if we say there are no absolutes, it's a contradictory statement in that the statement itself is an absolute. There must be something. We're just looking in the wrong spot. We seem to be looking for this special knowledge or idea when it might be something more tangible than that. Or we're searching for a certain experience, which is closer, although it has a tendency to be grounded in the search for a certain type of knowledge - emotion, knowledge and satisfaction of doing good. But, it may still be more real than that. It may be grounded in our everyday decisions, in our interactions with each other. The truth maybe unfolding right before our eyes, and we miss it.

Indeed it is and indeed I do. I type this and listen to Dom singing about a Remedy. I listen to my roommate fiddle in her chair. I can't take that back. It's the truth. It happened. We live in this world of ideas which lends itself to correction - always needing to be fixed because a situation arises that it cannot apply to. And because of this, we are devastated when it happens. I think we need to understand that we and our world is not stagnant, but continually evolving, changing, growing or shrinking, and with that our concept of truth, whatever truth it may be, needs to be malleable, mutable, changeable. Not so much as we lose ourselves to it, (it would be pretty ridiculous if we found out that we no longer needed sleep or burritos or something) but that sometimes our search for ideas needs to take a backseat to our lives. And in that, I would give up my fear of failure, you would give up your shyness, and my roommate would give up her guilt. Heck, cultural misunderstandings would be thrown into the wind.

In understanding this, it seems that what is right and what is wrong become closer or farther. They seem to not run parallel, but that they are either slowly moving toward or away from convergence. That their relationship is not a strict dichotomy, but one that plays with and next to one another. Surely, my friend's decision now might strengthen another decision later. In that way, perhaps her "wrong" decision will converge with the "right" decision later on. To be less obtuse, I'll use an example from my own life. I do not think I would have the same religous conviction today if it were not for my time away from religion. My wrong decision intersected with my right decision at some point or another to make me who I am now.

I just need to make sure I'm on the path to convergence.

My bloody ear



Lookee there! Yes, that's my bloody ear. I was given a certain amount of money to spend on my birthday and told to spend it frivolously, so this is what I chose - and industrial piercing in my ear. Ooh, boy, did it hurt! He marked it, I said "ok," then I was told to lie down, turn my head to the side, and then began the pinching and the burning.

I'm quite happy with the results. It fits me well and I think that it blends into my style and personality quite well. It's funny because as much as I want people to notice on their own, I have to show them and obtain their approval. "Yes, Tina, looks very nice. Good choice!" More than one person has told me they appreciate that I chose to have both of my piercings to one side. I'm also quite amused by the fact that I don't have my earlobes pierced at all but have both an eyebrow and an industrial, but it makes me no less feminine.




8.13.2008

The Coffee Boi

There's something happening that's quite unusual. I like someone, like for real. Not some guy who plays a guitar on a stage and has an active myspace page. Not some guy who I see once a week at church and with whom I have a conversation once a month. Not some guy who I met on Craigslist that I feel like I would have to settle for. Not some snobby guy who is in one of my classes that can't tell the difference between a friendly girl and a flirty one. Not any one of my male friends who live in other states that I email with every now and then. No, an honest-to-goodness cute little boi who serves me my daily coffee, smokes cigarettes and reads Nietzsche for fun.

A little over a week ago, I took a different route to the coffee stand. I was chatting with the ladies in the coffee stand and he runs in, breathless, saying, "I saw you coming and wanted to say hello." He had spotted me from out the back door of the shop; my heart skipped a beat. Another time he discovers that we have something in common: we both wear our belts to one side. I impress him with my roller skating skills, he impresses me with his knowledge of the politics of Russia and the surrounding area. He wears a vest and Converse the same day I wear mine. We exchange smiles and glances and giggles. I don't think I've had an experience like this for YEARS. Dumb.
It makes me so dumb that I don't even have the nerve to give him my card, complete with number and myspace page. God, what if he sees this? What would he think then? Eep!
Anyway, as I ponder this new state of mine, I ask myself, where did this excitement and infatuation come in? Granted, I'm prone to like people excessively, but not to the point of my heart skipping a beat. When do I become emotionally involved? Rarely ever. Most of my thoughts on love and relationships steer toward the "it's a choice" direction and not the flutter-bys-in-my-tummy direction.

I swear, I've just become so cynical about love. I can't stand a cute couple and never really want to be a part of one. The what-ifs start going on, especially when it comes to me. What if he can't commit? What if he thinks I'm too lumpy? What if I insult him without knowing it, as I am prone to do? What if he already has a girlfriend. Essentially, what if it doesn't work out? What then? Have I just wasted so many weeks/months/years of my life? Frankly, that thought scares me - a lot. My cynicism covers over that, so that I may be right about the state of that relationship or this person's feelings. It protects my own from harm.

But now, coffee boi, you are beginning to overcome my what-ifs, making me drink too much caffeine and making my heart skip beats. You are so sweet and dirty and nice. You are excited to see me, talk with me, admit to me that you like to smoke. You even smoke the good ones - Marlboro reds (I think). You read popular continental philosophy and understand what you are reading. You make me want to give up my lofty notions of choice and throw all caution to the wind, seeing where the road takes me. Now I know why there's so many disgusting romantic comedies, and why people believe in soul mates. Not that I believe in that, but I can see why.

That's it. I give up. Let's just hope you're not taken. Or gay.

8.12.2008

SB Independent "Try-outs"

Not that anyone really reads my blog, but I would still like to share my article I wrote for the Independent, a small weekly paper in Santa Barbara.  Enjoy!


 Most sane people would welcome the quiet that summer brings to Isla Vista.  No one is rushing to class on their self-propelled two (or four)-wheeled vehicles, the cars actually stop at the stop sign in front of my apartment building and there are small, daily migrations of girls in their flip-flops and cover-ups toward the stairs on Del Playa drive. Usually, there are masses of beach cruisers entering and leaving the Pardall tunnel and a line that goes out the door of Freebirds. But during the summer, not so much. There is no 10 o’clock scream from Francisco Torres, nor are there Jesus burgers at the Reality house.  It is simply not as busy.  Amidst all this calm, I marvel at the rest that this town is receiving. My friend on his skateboard can actually spot me as I walk toward work at UCSB.  I think “Hey, this seems like a hibernation of sorts, a rest and wait for the season of life to come around again.”

                Yes, that’s right; I think that the summer in Isla Vista is much like a creature hibernating in the winter waiting for spring to come around again.  It’s quite like a bear, active for 3 seasons a year, sleeping for one, albeit the sleep of I.V. comes with the warmth of the sun and not the cold of the winter.   

                Take the case of Jorge, one of Isla Vista’s mail carriers.  He loves working his route because for three glorious months out of the center of the year, his pack is half as light and he delivers my mail two hours earlier than usual.  And, if he’s lucky, some of the dog warnings are removed for good.  His heart rate, much like a bear’s in the winter, is lowered during the summer. This conserves his energy for the big push in September and October.  Jorge, even though his route is the same number of boxes as one in San Roque or Montecito, receives welcome refreshment for one quarter of the year.  He can crawl into his den and sleep, i.e., visit his family and enjoy the sunshine on his route.

                Or look at the influx and outflow of students.  In the spring, like a bear gathering twigs and shrubs for a nest in its den, so Isla Vistans are preparing for a big move of their own.  They box up, throw out, clean (or not) the stuff in their apartments for a move to other pastures – a temporary move away from the Isla Vista world, like a bear moves into its world of slumber and darkness.   

                Or think of it like school kids in the summer, because Isla Vista life runs on the school schedule. Kids have nothing but lazy days to play stick ball and lounge in the pool – or in the case of IV, go to the beach and lazily consume alcohol, bringing forth new friends and flings, much like a bear that has nothing to do but slumber and give birth to cubs in the winter.   

                It makes me wonder: would IV really be the same without its own summer hibernation?  Would the parties and weekend festivals be as joyous if there was no break?

                As I take a walk in the quieter end of IV, the 6800 block where the houses have room to breathe and many of their residents are permanent fixtures, I wonder if this is what Isla Vista were to become if its primary residents were no longer transient, and if IV no longer has its own hibernation.  There are manicured front lawns, nice architectural features, one guy even has an old railway signal planted in his front lawn. 

                But, save for the summer surfers, there’s little activity on these blocks, even during the school year.   There’s no uproarious laughter coming out of the windows, there’s no one playing beer pong on their patio, no fruit trucks peddling their wares and no transients hanging out.  It’s just another sleepy suburban neighborhood, like an eerie permanent hibernation. 

If this is Isla Vista with no hibernation, then, I don’t want it.  I escaped the shiny lure of Orange County, only to end up in this unique community, where many of your friends are in walking distance, not to mention the beach and other recreational endeavors.  A place where at any time of year, including holidays and the summer, you can meet someone and play with their Labrador at the beach or where you can wander to get a burrito just because it is 2am and you have nothing else to do.  A place of extreme wealth and extreme poverty all smashed up in each other’s space.  A place where Hillel is less than a block away from both the Catholic and Episcopal churches, and the Mormon church sits near the place where all the inebriated students and visitors line up for food at the end of the night.

Without hibernation, the bears would not survive and, without its own summer hibernation, Isla Vista and the open-minded “live and let live” culture associated with it would not either.  It might become another suburban neighborhood, where Freebirds gives way to Chipotle and the Isla Vista youth program becomes a high-end daycare for working parents. 

But, if hibernation - or student transience - is necessary for the survival of IV, then bring it on, even if it does mean that the Pita Pit is closed and the nice boys have moved from next door.  Eventually, just as the momma bear emerges in the spring with her cubs in search of food, so too does Isla Vista end its hibernation, to begin its full life anew, hungry, waiting for what the next nine months will reveal.   

4.30.2008

All Ears

In my last blog, I posed the question, who is not being heard? And you know, when you pose that question, "God, who do you want me to see and hear?" He will answer and answer more obviously and subtly than you can ever think.

I am not listening to those who are close to me. Recently I had an altercation with a coworker because I did not listen to him. On the surface, it looks like he was just being a jerk, but upon closer examination, I indirectly avoided his problem, which provoked him even more. And I did it without even realizing what I was doing.

Now, I have these two friends who want to be friends, but because they do not listen to each other, have a hard time. They do not listen and they do not see. They do not listen to the heart of the other - how can they, you have to read between the lines so deeply! - and therefore do not see and cannot sympathize with the other. And, in turn, I have not seen them individually. I tried to explain to one about herself and in the process completely alienated her and hurt her feelings. She was having a bad day and I did not remember. I did not listen.

I guess the heart of the matter is that we just don't know how to listen. We cannot forget ourselves for one stinkin' moment and focus on another person for once. True listening takes skill: removing yourself from what that person is saying and asking questions to truly get to the heart of the matter. This is why we pay professionals (therapists, pastors) to do it. How many times have I glossed over the problems of this young girl in my charge, blaming her youth? How many times have I said something to defend myself when I was not even being attacked? How many times I have I protected the comfort of my own heart at the expense of another?

I thank God because He allowed me to see the obviousness of His point in who needed an ear. I thank God because He has given me the sight to see this obviously and not react out of my own self. God, now I ask for grace to actually listen. Teach me to remove myself so that others can grow, and know that in that, I will grow, too!

Love,
Tina

4.26.2008

Ana and Mia

Ana and Mia are sisters. If it were 500 years ago, you would say that they are both lovely young maidens on the verge of becoming women. They are well adjusted, do all of their chores well, love children, and take very good care of their appearance. They each even have a special talent; Mia is a master at embroidery and Ana spins and weaves the finest silk, fit for all the royalty of the land. They seem to be the perfect young maidens waiting for their knight in shining armor, except for one thing: Ana hardly has any appetite and Mia can't hold any food down, which makes them both very skinny and seemingly unattractive to potential suitors. But, they are beautiful, even though the world tells them otherwise.

I recently found this underground community called pro-ana and pro-mia, which is short for pro-anorexia and pro-bulimia. It's sort of a strange bird. They say they do not advocate for the aquistion of anorexia or bulimia, but many of these websites and forums that I visited swap tips about distracting yourself away from your hunger, how to fast, the dangers of purging but if you must... There was a disclaimer at this one saying "If you are looking for a how-to guide, GO AWAY!" and yet it was one of the more resourceful websites on "how to get anorexia and bulimia."

To us "fat" people, it sounds sick, I know. But let's take it from some of these people's perspecitves. Anorexia and/or bulimia is their way of life; to tell them to live otherwise would be like someone telling me to give up my quest for God and start my quest for Nirvana. Anas and Mias formed this community because they found no support elsewhere. Think about it, if you were friends with someone diagnosed with anorexia and they wanted to tell you how they distracted themselves from eating the other day, would you be able to listen? No! You would say, "Why don't that girl eat? She's a skinny little thing and she makes me look fat!"

It makes me sad that we objectify these people who are obviously doing something we, as a society, don't approve of and is generally unhealthy. Of all the people in the world, who are crying out for understanding, and we reject the habits of these people. They feel like we are rejecting them because we don't understand and have no empathy. God have mercy on us!
Anyway, please don't get me wrong. Anorexics supporting anorexica is probably not such a great choice, because it perpetuates a cycle. But, this community formed for a reason: no one listened to them. They were not heard, so they are trying to be seen. And still, no one saw. It forces me to
think, "If no one listened to them, who else is being ignored or downtrodden upon? Who else needs a voice?"

So, I put that question out there. Who do you think is not being heard? God, who do you want me to see?