Smitten

Author's note: It's been a day since I've written the post below. I know now that there is a lot more going on in my life than simply this - a sick mother, the prospect of moving from my life, not simply to start a new one, but to take care another's life. Much of the tension that I describe below does not simply stem from my own insecurites regarding relationships, but from a vunerability that I will have as a caretaker of someone who has traditinally taken care of me. I know that at times, my heart will break for me and my family, and I do not want to add another depth to that. But, with that being said, and like I said before: I give up. Thanks for reading!

I have to admit, I'm smitten. It's terrible. I'm all fluttery and can't eat and everything. I'm not sure I like it. I even had to have some Alka-seltzer.

Contemplating this state makes me question so many different areas that I have explored in the past. For example, I have always advocated that love is a choice, that although we allow our feelings to influence us, it is still our choice to be in that relationship. This opinion has prevented me from enjoying the pleasures of infatuation. But, when did I recently choose to let my feelings do the driving instead of my mind? I'm not used to allowing this to happen and it's throwing me all off-kilter. Ack!

My roommate asks me - what's so bad about it? It is simply not my normal operating mode. True, I am living on the edge - will he call, should I text, will he put his arm around me, should I stand that close to him? - and that's a little exciting. It makes that first kiss all that much more sensational, it makes whatever he says perfect, but it makes me scrutinize my every move. I send a text that could be construed as pushy, will he take it that way? Is my outfit cute enough, I wonder how he'd feel about a skirt or dress? I mean, does he really like me? Will we really see each other again? And if he does, why hasn't he tried to contact me again? Ack!

I guess my biggest concern, though, is there are some fundamental differences between us that make me wonder if this is ok. Letting my feelings go as they are right now gives me a fear of what will happen if they remain unfulfilled. Is my heart going to break? It's happened twice and I was devastated both times. So much so that I refuse to speak to one even though he will call incessantly whilst nearby. It draws up so much hurt to see him and know that we should not be together. I don't want that to happen again.

And yet, I have no worries hanging out. When I'm with the guy with whom I am smitten, it's ok. My feelings are fine and I'm confident that it will all work out for the better in the end. Is that what people are looking for? The idea that with this one person (and trust me, I'm not putting all my eggs in one basket here) it just might work out. I might actually share a piece of my heart that does not often get dusted off and used. And even if it gets put back on the shelf, it will still be ok, for the best.

Now, if this attitude will permeate the rest of my life...