I'm unhappy because I am unpopular, or so it seems to me. Isn't that sad? One of my weaknesses, I guess, is that I feel unwanted by the world.

I know that people like me, but because my phone is not ringing off the hook, or my facebook has zero notifications, or no one is knocking at my door, then what is the point of meeting people? I want to meet people because I want to go out, have fun or a good time, enrich each other's lives.

Isn't that sad, though? I want to be popular for my own satisfaction - because it makes me feel important or it makes me feel wanted. Once again, it goes back to my own insecurities, and my need to have them satisfied outside of my own self. I need someone to tell me that I am important, rather than simply knowing that I am.

I see my roommate, who is "popular." But, she is not popular because she is a socialite; she's popular because she works for a social organization and she does an enormous amount of work for it. She's popular because people need her to do something for them, most of the time.

The same way with me - I seek people out, not simply because I want to hang with them, but I want to feel justified by our positive interaction. I want to go on a date, not to get to know someone new, but to receive the attention from a male. I want to go to a party, not simply to meet new people, but to get compliments on a superficial level. I want to hang out because I want to meet my own needs, not the needs of others.

Something inside of me is missing, it's empty. Most Christians say that it's God. I may agree with them, most of the time. I do need to know that my worth and identity are found in my Creator and my Purpose. I believe this truth. But, I think we have these needs as a part of our purpose. I have a need to hang out with others, because I need to know that I cannot supply all that I need all the time. Contrary to popular opinion, I am not sufficient all by myself. By the grace of the Lord, He can bring those people to complete me, to meet my needs.

But, the purpose is not to meet needs, it's to have individuals function as a whole. If my condition is such that I am not sufficient on my own, and I share the condition with the entire human race, than it goes to show that all are not sufficient on their own. We need each other to be complete. What is that? What, what word is that?

COMMUNITY! (hahaa - Alicia?)

1 comment:

Can't reach the top shelf said...

Jeez, I guess I didn't read this or the 1 or 2 prior. Eep!

Very good blog, by the way. I struggle with popularity on a different level. I am still mystified by what makes some people "cool" and others "uncool".

I suppose it's because they, the "cool" ones, don't strive for that elusive charisma and they are sufficiently comfortable with how they appear to others. (I say sufficiently because I know very well that most with that certain charisma have some pretty heinous insecurities themselves they just have a more socially acceptable way of hiding them.) They also don't have the obvious need to be "top dog", they just are, whereas we who are underdogs are more obvious in our need. They have "sniffed" us out and deemed us unworthy of their pack.

As of late, I've somewhat comforted myself in the fact that by being less popular, i.e. not being invited to some people's domiciles, or to the bar, or to play some game, that I am in fact refusing to lower my standards or compromise my beliefs. In nearly every group, there are many who end up either "dumbing down", compromise themselves, or jump off a cliff for the sake of remaining in the group.

That being said, I am comforted, but maybe not always happy about it.